I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
