I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
