if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
