You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
