i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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