My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
