the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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