HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
