I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
