At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
40s are totally the cure
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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