what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
