i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
