I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
