went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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