Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
