I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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