look no pants
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We need to get me chipped asap
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
