I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
