Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
