i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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