The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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