every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
