Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
