Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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