Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
