Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
