Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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