people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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