I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
