At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
