He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
