I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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