You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
