I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
