It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's blow job season.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
