I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
