When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
