I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
