Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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