ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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