I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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