I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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