If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
