I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
