Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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