so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
