fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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