i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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