if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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