I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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